I'm not okay, but I'm gonna be alright.
1. It rained today and everything feels so fresh and smells heavenly.
2. The weather is cool enough for me to wear a hoodie.
3. Camden fell asleep on my lap.
I heard a song on the radio the other day by Lauren Alaina called "Doin' Fine." Lauren sings about a trial that she has gone through, and one of the lines in the chorus says, "I'm not okay, but I'm gonna be alright." Holy moly, if that's not me right now, I don't know what is. That phrase has kind of become my new life motto.
When I had heard about women I knew having miscarriages, I was so insensitive. I would think, "well at least you didn't know the baby," and truly not give it another thought. Boy, have I been taught a lesson on compassion the past few weeks. I had no idea that loosing a baby you didn't know could be so incredibly painful, and I haven't even lost Bliss yet.
Whats hardest for me, is knowing that eventually my baby is going to die, and I have no idea when that will be. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is, "well it could be today." and I go to bed thanking my Heavenly Father that it wasn't. My mind races with endless opportunities I will miss with this sweet little angel baby. Instead of picking out pink bows and girly outfits, I'm looking at headstones and tiny caskets.
2. The weather is cool enough for me to wear a hoodie.
3. Camden fell asleep on my lap.
I heard a song on the radio the other day by Lauren Alaina called "Doin' Fine." Lauren sings about a trial that she has gone through, and one of the lines in the chorus says, "I'm not okay, but I'm gonna be alright." Holy moly, if that's not me right now, I don't know what is. That phrase has kind of become my new life motto.
When I had heard about women I knew having miscarriages, I was so insensitive. I would think, "well at least you didn't know the baby," and truly not give it another thought. Boy, have I been taught a lesson on compassion the past few weeks. I had no idea that loosing a baby you didn't know could be so incredibly painful, and I haven't even lost Bliss yet.
Whats hardest for me, is knowing that eventually my baby is going to die, and I have no idea when that will be. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is, "well it could be today." and I go to bed thanking my Heavenly Father that it wasn't. My mind races with endless opportunities I will miss with this sweet little angel baby. Instead of picking out pink bows and girly outfits, I'm looking at headstones and tiny caskets.
I've been asked if I feel like it would be easier to have a miscarriage or for her heart to stop beating sooner, rather than delivering and loosing her after a couple of hours or days. The answer to me is simple, but it's hard to explain to other people. Because I know that my baby is going to die, I hope and pray that I will get to have some kind of memory of her, that I will get to experience her. I want to bring her into this world, I want to hear her cry, I want to see her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. I want to hold her, I want Camden to meet his little sister. I want to feel her little hand squeeze my finger, I want to feel her beating heart. I want to absorb as much of her into my memory as I possibly can before she leaves me. And how can I do that if I miscarry or deliver a still born?
Right now, I'm not okay. Right now, I hurt. Tomorrow, I'm going to hurt. I'm going to hurt every day until eventually, I simply don't anymore. And finally, I will be alright.
Right now, I'm not okay. Right now, I hurt. Tomorrow, I'm going to hurt. I'm going to hurt every day until eventually, I simply don't anymore. And finally, I will be alright.
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