Welcome, Baby Bliss
Saturday, February 24th.
Today is the day. Ready or not.
Today we say hello and goodbye to our sweet baby Bliss.
On Tuesday the 20th, we had met with our OB and scheduled to be induced today.
It was 7:00am. We were waiting for the hospital to call and let us know they were ready for us. I hadn't slept well the night before. Part of me was stressed, part of me was excited, part of me was terrified. It had been the ultimate challenge to get my body to relax. It didn't help that that night Bliss was probably the most active she had ever been. Little girl made it hard to get comfortable, but it's okay, I would soon miss those feelings.
At 8:15, we got the call from the hospital. We packed up our stuff, kissed Camden goodbye (he would be spending the day with Grandma), and off we went. By the time we got there it was about 9:00. They brought us back to our room, and the fun began. My nurse started an IV on me, and placed a doppler on my stomach to check Bliss's heartbeat. Typically, it takes a matter of seconds to find Bliss's heartbeat, but my nurse was having no luck.
"It might be because of her positioning, let me get a more sensitive dopler."
I began to panic a little bit, this wasn't a good sign.
She checked with the second doppler. Again, no luck. My OB came in with an ultrasound machine and began looking for her heartbeat.
Nothing.
10:00am. Bliss was already gone.
Tears flooded my eyes. The panic I felt caused me to hyperventilate. I couldn't quite comprehend what had just happened. Chase held me as I bawled. I had felt her move less than 12 hours ago, how could she be gone now?! Part of me blamed myself, but at the same time, I knew her heart was weak. I knew she could have passed at any time. But why would she go the day she was supposed to be born?
My heart ached. It still didn't feel real though. It took a while for everything to sink in.
After Chase and I had had some time to come to grips with everything, the anesthesiologist came in and placed my epidural. It didn't take long for the medication to take over and for my lower half to become completely numb.
Once I was comfortable, my OB and another doctor came in to perform an ECV (external cephalic version). An ECV is where the doctors literally push on your stomach and try to outwardly turn the baby from breech to regular position. Even though Bliss had already passed away, we still wanted to try and turn her so she was in a better position for my sake. Complications for the mother can arise during a breech delivery, and we wanted to avoid those as much as possible. However, the doctors were unsuccessful, but we were hoping that because Bliss was so small, we wouldn't run into any issues.
After they were done, my OB broke my water, my nurse administered pitocin, and the waiting began.
Throughout the day we visited with family, played cards, and simply tried to make the best of our sad situation. As my body progressed during labor, we all made guesses as to what time we thought Bliss was going to be born, I guessed 9:45 pm.
9:00 rolled around and I began to feel some pressure (you moms know what pressure I'm talking about). I called my nurse in and told her that I thought I was ready. Sure enough, I was dilated to a ten. My OB was called, and my nurse and Chase helped position me for delivery.
9:39 pm, my beautiful daughter was born.
She didn't cry.
She didn't move.
But there she was, and I felt so much love for her still little body.
As beautiful as she was, I could see that she was broken. And she was frail. And in that moment, I was so grateful.
I was so grateful that my Father in Heaven had taken her away when He did. Looking at her, you could tell that she would have been in so much pain. That she would have hurt and suffered from the time she was born, until she passed away. Instead, she never once felt pain. Her whole life consisted of nothing but love from her dad, brother, and I.
The nurses placed Bliss in my arms. She was so tiny. She weighed 3.9 pounds and was 16 inches long.
Even though Bliss's spirit was not in her body, there was an undeniable feeling of her there in the room. I could feel her comforting me, and loving me, and I thought if I were to turn around, I would see here standing there.
Chase and I got to spend some time alone with her. Then Camden came in. And there we were, the four of us together as a family, one of us in spirit. I honest and truly believe that Bliss was comforting Camden through everything. We had been worried that the atmosphere and equipment at the hospital would scare Camden, but it didn't. He climbed onto the bed and sat with Chase and saw his baby sister for the first time. We told him that she was sleeping. Sweet little Bliss had a double cleft pallet, so her nose didn't look normal. My kind hearted boy pointed to her nose and said, "she has an owie." I laughed a little through the tears, because she didn't have any owies, not any more.
After a while, we were ready to introduce little Bliss to the rest of her family. The hospital I had delivered at had a special room for families with similar situations, it's larger, more comfortable, and resembles a house more than a hospital. The nurses moved us into this room and invited our family to join us.
We were so blessed to have our siblings, parents, and grandparents there supporting and loving us. Bliss was held and loved by each of them.
Originally, when we had thought she would be born alive, we had planned for Chase to give her a name and a blessing. With the help of my mom, she and I made a blessing gown for Bliss from my wedding dress. We put the dress on her even though she wouldn't be receiving a blessing.
She looked so beautiful. I can only imagine the perfect white dress she is now wearing in heaven.
It was 12:00am. Our family members had all left, giving Chase and I time to cherish our little girl alone. But it was late, we were exhausted, and Bliss's lifeless body was beginning to get cold. We knew that it was time to say goodbye.
My heart broke.
The tears I had held back in the presence of family flooded my eyes.
How was I supposed to say goodbye to my child.
The child I would never see again.
I prayed to have her memorized in my mind. I never wanted to forget the way her tiny hand felt in mine. I didn't want to forget her little pointed ears that took after my own. I wanted to always remember how soft her skin felt, and what color her hair was. I didn't want to forget this moment with her, because this moment was all I had.
But again, I felt her comfort. And I felt her love. I knew that she wasn't there in her tiny broken body. She was right next to me.
Finally, I was ready.
They took her body, but I got to keep her spirit with me. And I know that she will always be with me.
I can't express how thankful I am for eternal families, and for the plan of salvation. Because of the plan of salvation, I get to raise Bliss in the next life. I am so grateful to have been sealed together as an eternal family.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I have learned over and over, in many different ways, that our Father in Heaven hears and answers our prayers. I had prayed that Bliss would be born alive, and that I would get a chance to meet her. I had fasted that Bliss would turn, so she wouldn't pass during delivery. But I had feared that I had made the wrong choice in delivering normally rather than having a c-section. I had dreaded watching Bliss die. I felt guilty that I was induced early, when there could be more time for Bliss to live in utero. Heavenly Father heard my prayers. He knew my fears. He knew what was best for me.
I am so thankful my prayers were answered, even though they weren't the way I had originally wanted. Heavenly Father knew that my heart would break to see Bliss in so much pain. He knew how it would hurt me to watch her die. He took her away early so neither Bliss nor I had to suffer. He didn't leave me with room for guilt. He knows me, and he knows what's best for me.
I am thankful to be a mother to a girl. I am thankful for my sweet Bliss, and for the opportunities and experiences I have had and continue to have because of her.
I can't wait to meet you someday, my perfect little angel.
Today is the day. Ready or not.
Today we say hello and goodbye to our sweet baby Bliss.
On Tuesday the 20th, we had met with our OB and scheduled to be induced today.
It was 7:00am. We were waiting for the hospital to call and let us know they were ready for us. I hadn't slept well the night before. Part of me was stressed, part of me was excited, part of me was terrified. It had been the ultimate challenge to get my body to relax. It didn't help that that night Bliss was probably the most active she had ever been. Little girl made it hard to get comfortable, but it's okay, I would soon miss those feelings.
At 8:15, we got the call from the hospital. We packed up our stuff, kissed Camden goodbye (he would be spending the day with Grandma), and off we went. By the time we got there it was about 9:00. They brought us back to our room, and the fun began. My nurse started an IV on me, and placed a doppler on my stomach to check Bliss's heartbeat. Typically, it takes a matter of seconds to find Bliss's heartbeat, but my nurse was having no luck.
"It might be because of her positioning, let me get a more sensitive dopler."
I began to panic a little bit, this wasn't a good sign.
She checked with the second doppler. Again, no luck. My OB came in with an ultrasound machine and began looking for her heartbeat.
Nothing.
10:00am. Bliss was already gone.
Tears flooded my eyes. The panic I felt caused me to hyperventilate. I couldn't quite comprehend what had just happened. Chase held me as I bawled. I had felt her move less than 12 hours ago, how could she be gone now?! Part of me blamed myself, but at the same time, I knew her heart was weak. I knew she could have passed at any time. But why would she go the day she was supposed to be born?
My heart ached. It still didn't feel real though. It took a while for everything to sink in.
After Chase and I had had some time to come to grips with everything, the anesthesiologist came in and placed my epidural. It didn't take long for the medication to take over and for my lower half to become completely numb.
Once I was comfortable, my OB and another doctor came in to perform an ECV (external cephalic version). An ECV is where the doctors literally push on your stomach and try to outwardly turn the baby from breech to regular position. Even though Bliss had already passed away, we still wanted to try and turn her so she was in a better position for my sake. Complications for the mother can arise during a breech delivery, and we wanted to avoid those as much as possible. However, the doctors were unsuccessful, but we were hoping that because Bliss was so small, we wouldn't run into any issues.
After they were done, my OB broke my water, my nurse administered pitocin, and the waiting began.
Throughout the day we visited with family, played cards, and simply tried to make the best of our sad situation. As my body progressed during labor, we all made guesses as to what time we thought Bliss was going to be born, I guessed 9:45 pm.
9:00 rolled around and I began to feel some pressure (you moms know what pressure I'm talking about). I called my nurse in and told her that I thought I was ready. Sure enough, I was dilated to a ten. My OB was called, and my nurse and Chase helped position me for delivery.
9:39 pm, my beautiful daughter was born.
She didn't cry.
She didn't move.
But there she was, and I felt so much love for her still little body.
As beautiful as she was, I could see that she was broken. And she was frail. And in that moment, I was so grateful.
I was so grateful that my Father in Heaven had taken her away when He did. Looking at her, you could tell that she would have been in so much pain. That she would have hurt and suffered from the time she was born, until she passed away. Instead, she never once felt pain. Her whole life consisted of nothing but love from her dad, brother, and I.
The nurses placed Bliss in my arms. She was so tiny. She weighed 3.9 pounds and was 16 inches long.
Even though Bliss's spirit was not in her body, there was an undeniable feeling of her there in the room. I could feel her comforting me, and loving me, and I thought if I were to turn around, I would see here standing there.
Chase and I got to spend some time alone with her. Then Camden came in. And there we were, the four of us together as a family, one of us in spirit. I honest and truly believe that Bliss was comforting Camden through everything. We had been worried that the atmosphere and equipment at the hospital would scare Camden, but it didn't. He climbed onto the bed and sat with Chase and saw his baby sister for the first time. We told him that she was sleeping. Sweet little Bliss had a double cleft pallet, so her nose didn't look normal. My kind hearted boy pointed to her nose and said, "she has an owie." I laughed a little through the tears, because she didn't have any owies, not any more.
After a while, we were ready to introduce little Bliss to the rest of her family. The hospital I had delivered at had a special room for families with similar situations, it's larger, more comfortable, and resembles a house more than a hospital. The nurses moved us into this room and invited our family to join us.
We were so blessed to have our siblings, parents, and grandparents there supporting and loving us. Bliss was held and loved by each of them.
Originally, when we had thought she would be born alive, we had planned for Chase to give her a name and a blessing. With the help of my mom, she and I made a blessing gown for Bliss from my wedding dress. We put the dress on her even though she wouldn't be receiving a blessing.
She looked so beautiful. I can only imagine the perfect white dress she is now wearing in heaven.
It was 12:00am. Our family members had all left, giving Chase and I time to cherish our little girl alone. But it was late, we were exhausted, and Bliss's lifeless body was beginning to get cold. We knew that it was time to say goodbye.
My heart broke.
The tears I had held back in the presence of family flooded my eyes.
How was I supposed to say goodbye to my child.
The child I would never see again.
I prayed to have her memorized in my mind. I never wanted to forget the way her tiny hand felt in mine. I didn't want to forget her little pointed ears that took after my own. I wanted to always remember how soft her skin felt, and what color her hair was. I didn't want to forget this moment with her, because this moment was all I had.
But again, I felt her comfort. And I felt her love. I knew that she wasn't there in her tiny broken body. She was right next to me.
Finally, I was ready.
They took her body, but I got to keep her spirit with me. And I know that she will always be with me.
I can't express how thankful I am for eternal families, and for the plan of salvation. Because of the plan of salvation, I get to raise Bliss in the next life. I am so grateful to have been sealed together as an eternal family.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I have learned over and over, in many different ways, that our Father in Heaven hears and answers our prayers. I had prayed that Bliss would be born alive, and that I would get a chance to meet her. I had fasted that Bliss would turn, so she wouldn't pass during delivery. But I had feared that I had made the wrong choice in delivering normally rather than having a c-section. I had dreaded watching Bliss die. I felt guilty that I was induced early, when there could be more time for Bliss to live in utero. Heavenly Father heard my prayers. He knew my fears. He knew what was best for me.
I am so thankful my prayers were answered, even though they weren't the way I had originally wanted. Heavenly Father knew that my heart would break to see Bliss in so much pain. He knew how it would hurt me to watch her die. He took her away early so neither Bliss nor I had to suffer. He didn't leave me with room for guilt. He knows me, and he knows what's best for me.
I am thankful to be a mother to a girl. I am thankful for my sweet Bliss, and for the opportunities and experiences I have had and continue to have because of her.
I can't wait to meet you someday, my perfect little angel.
I can barely type through the tears. Thank you for being brave enough to share such a personal and intimate moment with us. You're amazing strength and uplifting attitude are so darn admirable. Now that life is to "go back to normal", you might find that you aren't sure what normal is anymore. Please know you have a friend in me if you ever need to talk, or just have someone there. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman and I'm so proud to know you.
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