Our Temporary Goodbye

Saturday was a whirlwind. It was so emotionally draining. We had delivered our sweet angel and said goodbye to her. It was by far the most difficult day of my life, but this challenging trial was not yet over.

Sunday morning came and Chase and I were ready to leave the hospital. My heart sank as we got in our car. I knew we never would have been able to take Bliss home, but it was still so hard to go home empty handed.

I found comfort in a stuffed animal my sister-in-law had given me at the hospital. It was a little bunny rabbit--I call it my Happy Bunny. My Happy Bunny and Bliss were almost the exact same size. I swaddled up my bunny in the blanket we had held Bliss in at the hospital. It really helped holding this bunny, but sometimes it added to the heart ache. I felt pathetic. Out of sadness and hurt I would think that all I got to take home from the hospital was a stupid bunny. After moments like that, the tears would fall and I’d burry my face in my daughter’s blanket, and hug my bunny tighter.

And just because I came home without Bliss, didn’t mean I hadn’t given birth to a baby. I had forgotten since having Camden, but after having a baby your uterus has to contract back to normal, and those contractions are the same ones you feel during labor. So yeah, that definitely wasn’t fun. Also, you’re body still produces milk, and the day my milk came in was absolutely miserable. That was like adding insult to injury, just a reminder of what I didn’t have.

I tried my best to pretend I was okay. Because part of me was. But the rest of me was hurting. I felt empty, I was physically in pain, my heart was broken, and I didn’t want to let anyone see any of it. I had heard so many times “you’re so strong,” which I appreciated, but it made me feel like I had to be that way. It was emotionally exhausting to spend all day long telling everyone around me that I was fine. Because I was lying. By the end of the day I would completely break down from the weight of it all. I think I cried myself to sleep every night that week, holding tight to my Happy Bunny.

It was hard to grieve because I still felt so stressed. I felt like there were still so many things to work out in regards to the funeral. I just wanted things to flow smoothly, and thanks to the mortuary as well as our friends and family, everything really did turn out perfectly.

We had chosen to have Bliss’s body and funeral service to be taken care of by McMillan Mortuary in St. George, as that was where she would be buried, and that was the best decision we could have ever made. The morticians there are some of the kindest, most sincere people I have ever met. They were incredible, and helped me to feel at ease. The day before Bliss’s funeral, I got to help prepare her body. I had been so excited because this meant I would get to see her again. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. We dressed her in her burial gown, which had also been made from my wedding dress. I sat and held her tiny body as my heart embraced the moment, it would truly be the last time I would see her. Saying goodbye this time was even harder.

The day of the funeral arrived, and I was in good spirits no matter how much I had been dreading it. I had planned everything out the way I wanted it, but I still didn’t know exactly what to expect or what I was doing, this was a whole new experience for me. But I had decided that things were going to work out and there was no point in worrying! We got to the church building early so we could get everything set up. Soon enough 11 o’clock rolled around and our family and friends began to arrive. My wonderful bishop was conducting the service and welcomed everyone there on our behalf. After the opening hymn and prayer, my former bishop gave an uplifting talk centered around the plan of salvation. Following his remarks, one of my best friends played an incredible arrangement on the piano of “Nearer my God to Thee.” And then it was my turn to speak. I spoke of our experience with Bliss the previous week, and how I had learned so much about the way our Heavenly Father answers our prayers. Bliss’s spirit, along with the Holy Ghost, was felt so strongly in the room. When I concluded my talk, my bishop said a few sweet words, and then ended the service. Our family and friends expressed their love and sorrow for Chase and I. We all had the chance to mingle for a bit before leaving for the cemetery.

Chase and his dad, with Camden in tow, carried Bliss’s casket across the grassy lawn of the cemetery. Bliss’s temporary marker indicated the spot where her body would lay to rest. My dad said a dedicatory prayer on Bliss’s grave, and that was it. It was all over. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could breathe again. I think that part of that relief came from Bliss’s spirit telling me not to hold on to my pain and sadness, that it was okay to be happy. I have the knowledge of the gospel, and I know where she is.

But my heart broke one last time as I walked away from her tiny casket that day.

Since the funeral, I’ve had two really uplifting experiences while attending the temple. Chase and I were participating in a sealing session, where we are sealed in marriage by proxy for those who have already passed away. The session made me reflect back to the day Chase, Camden and I were sealed. That day I was consumed with the fact that I would be with Chase and Camden for eternity, I didn’t give much thought to the other children I would have, because Chase and Cam were the only ones physically there. But after having lost Bliss, it made me realize that her spirit, and the spirits of our other future children, were also there with us. I can only imagine how thankful Bliss was that we had made that decision. That must have given her so much comfort, knowing that she would be able to be with us for eternity even after she passed away!

The second experience I had was absolutely incredible, it’s one of the most special experiences I have ever had. My mom and I were at the temple earlier this week doing an endowment session. During an endowment session, we have the opportunity to receive more understanding of the plan of salvation as well as what our purpose is during this life. We make covenants, or special promises, to our Heavenly Father of what we will do throughout this life to live a higher standard and to be able to live with him again someday. Bliss was in my thoughts the entire duration of the session. I had hoped to be able to feel her spirit, as I believe there is no where on earth where we are closer to the spirits of our loved ones who have passed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to distinguish the feeling of her spirit like I had before. This was puzzling and hurt my heart a bit. At the end of the endowment session, we enter into a separate room than where the session takes place. This room is the Celestial room. It represents the highest degree of glory in God’s kingdom. This room is completely majestic, everything is white; the walls, the carpet, the furniture. A magnificent chandelier suspends from the ceiling. Everything feels so regal and pure. The best part is the giant painting of Christ that overlooks the room. It makes you feel as if you are truly in his presence. The moment I walked into this room was unlike any time that I ever had before. I walked through the door and instantly my spirit could feel her. Tears filled my eyes as I was overwhelmed with the most comforting emotion. This is where she was. She is constantly surrounded by this heavenly beauty. I felt like at that moment she was walking through the room with me. There are really no words to adequately describe how incredible this moment was for me, but it was such a confirmation of my faith and testimony.

Loosing Bliss was devastating. Life after her was a painful question mark, but I can feel myself healing. Thinking of Bliss now makes me happier more than anything. She is truly our sweet angel.

I can’t express enough gratitude to all those who have taken care of us over the past few weeks. Thank you for the prayers, kind words, and endless amounts of love my little Hope family has received.