Trusting His Plan

Thursday, February 15th.

Today I had another prenatal doctors appointment. This appointment was going to be a little bit different, we were hoping to plan a day to be induced and discuss everything in that regard. When I first arrived, they took me back to do an ultrasound. We knew Bliss was small, but we wanted to see where she was measuring so we knew what to expect when she was born. The ultrasound tech could see that she was about 4 pounds. She could also see that Bliss was in frank breech position. (the image below shows frank breech position on the left, and a normal position on the right.)

I knew that wasn't a good thing, but I didn't really know what all that meant to have a breech baby, uncharted territory here. After the ultrasound, we waited for my OB in one of the exam rooms. When she came in, she mentioned Bliss's position. She told us that some babies in breech position can turn on their own. However, Bliss didn't have a lot of amniotic fluid to be able to move around in, and with her having spinal issues, chances of her moving were next to none. My doctor then went on to explain complications with delivering breech. She said that a babies head can get stuck, they can loose oxygen, they can go into distress, and in some cases, they can pass away. She said that especially in Bliss's case, with her weak heart, she might not make it through delivery. My doctor said that with a healthy pregnancy, a c-section would be an ideal option. This was an option for us, but she didn't really recommend it because we knew what the outcome was regardless, Bliss was going to pass away. 

So, I had to make a choice. One of the main things I had hoped and prayed for throughout this pregnancy was for a chance to meet Bliss. For her to be born alive. If we chose to deliver breech, she could pass away during delivery and we'd never get that chance. I could decide to have a c-section. I could opt to have my body cut open, have the opportunity to meet and hold Bliss for who knows how long until she inevitably passed away. And then face the recovery of a major surgery.

Sounds fair doesn't it?

I felt angry. I felt hurt. And these feelings were all towards my Father in Heaven.

I had been okay with the fact that He would be taking this child from me. I had coped really well throughout my pregnancy. I had never felt like it was unfair, I had never felt betrayed. It was simply a trial that I was meant to endure, and that's okay. All I ever asked was to be able to meet her. To hold her living body. To watch her breathe. To hear her cry. Now I had to choose what I wanted to do.

My doctor wanted to give us some time to think things through so we scheduled to meet the following Tuesday. I did not want to have to have a c-section, especially when we thought about the reality of it all. That just didn't make sense. We knew that even though she was at risk of passing during delivery, we wanted to deliver like normal.

The following Sunday we asked both our immediate and extended family to fast with us that Bliss might turn on her own. When the time came to break our fast, Chase and I sat across from each other, hand in hand, and pleaded with our Heavenly Father to let our sweet little girl turn. I poured out my heart, and begged for the things I wanted. But I included, "If it be thy will." And I meant that. 

"Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." 

Bliss didn't end up turning. 

I thought that a part of me would be hurt that all the fasting and all the prayers from myself, and so many family members had not been heard. But I wasn't. The anger had faded. The hurt was gone. I knew that the Lord was with me, that he had been the whole time, and he would continue to be with me. I knew that it was part of his plan and I was okay with that. I would continue to trust Him, and trust the plan He had for me.