Bliss

1. My house is clean.

2. We are all healthy.

3. I get to see my mom. 

Here's my short list of things that have made me happy today. I cherish these short lists, because even through all the pain and sadness I've been experiencing, there are still things to be happy about. 

Let me elaborate on these feelings. The past three months have been a whirlwind of emotions. On July 15th, we found out that our family of three would have a precious new addition in the upcoming year. Yes, that's right, we're pregnant! My pregnancy with my son, Camden, was miserable. I was so sick I could hardly function. This time around I was feeling far better, with only a few spells of morning sickness. They say that your pregnancies are quite different between the two genders, this theory caused us to believe that we'd be introducing a baby girl into the world. We were ecstatic! I couldn't wait to see Camden as an older brother, and Chase to the dad of a tiny little girl. I began browsing online boutiques, finding adorable outfits covered in bright floral, golden polka dots, and sassy girly quotes. I couldn't wait to fill up my cart and get my hands on these tiny clothes, but I thought I'd better wait until we knew for certain that'd we'd be having a girl. And that brings us to September 11th. 

I was catching up on some much needed sleep after a long 12 hour night shift when my phone went off, waking me up. It was an incoming call from my OB-GYN's office. The week prior, at my 13 week prenatal appointment, I had taken a blood test to find out the gender of my baby. They had told me they'd have those results within seven to ten days. (This blood test screens for multiple things aside from the gender of the baby, but the purpose of us taking the test was to find out the gender early.) I snapped out of bed and tried to clear the sleepiness out of my voice. This must be the gender results from the blood test! I quickly answered the phone, 

"Hello is this Mary?" I recognized the voice of my doctor.

"Yes, this is!" I responded.

"Hi Mary, I have the result of your blood test, is it possible for you to come in to the office some time today?" 

By the tone of her voice, I could sense something was wrong.

"Is everything okay?" I cautiously asked.

"Well..." she hesitated, "your blood screen came back positive for trisomy 18."

"What is trisomy 18?" I asked, my voice wavering. 

"How about we have you come into my office and I can explain everything to you." my doctor insisted.

I agreed and hung up. My mind was racing. What is trisomy 18? What does this mean for my baby? I called my husband, Chase, and relayed the conversation to him. He picked me up and together we drove to the hospital. 

"Thank you both for coming in on such short notice." my doctor said when we were finally alone in an exam room. "Like I told you on the phone, your baby tested positive for trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is a chromosomal condition that causes many abnormalities and birth defects. Essentially, babies with trisomy 18 are unsustainable for life."

My heart immediately sank, but my brain was having a hard time comprehending everything she had just said. Ultimately, I was in shock.

"However," my doctor continued, "blood screens are not 100% accurate, so we don't know if your baby for sure has this condition. There are some options you can choose from to find out for certain. You can undergo some invasive testing, or you can go see an ultrasound specialist who will be able to see if your baby is showing signs that are conclusive with trisomy 18."

We chose to see the ultrasound specialist, our doctor said she would call this particular doctor and we ought to be hearing from them within a few days. 

I was overwhelmed with everything I had just been told, but there was one important thing I still needed to know, "What is the gender of our baby?" I asked with a heavy heart. 

"You're having a girl."

I looked at my husband and I could see the pain in his expression. He had been wanting a little girl so badly. My heart hurt for the both of us, but I couldn't help feeling so confused. I had learned all this information, but it was merely a possibility. We didn't know if any of this was really happening, maybe the blood test had been a fluke? 

With tears in my eyes we left the doctors office and I made a painful call to my mom. I told her what we had learned and that we needed our family to pray for us now more than ever. Together Chase and I drove to his mom's where she was watching Camden. When we got there, we hugged Camden harder than we ever had before.

That night the two of us laid in bed with our minds going a mile a minute. Chase was looking up information about trisomy 18, and he came across articles that stated the blood tests had been totally wrong and mothers warned never to trust them. He found other stories of mothers who had been told their baby for sure had trisomy 18 and yet they delivered a perfectly healthy baby. Chase's optimism worried me. I didn't want him to get his hopes up and get hurt all over again. Unlike him, I was preparing for the worst. I felt myself hardening my heart. Not towards anyone or anything, but simply from the pain itself. I just didn't want to feel anything.

Our prayer that night was more fervent than ever as we pleaded with our Heavenly Father for this all to be a mistake. We prayed to have a healthy baby. We prayed that we could feel peace and comfort if our baby truly did have this condition. It can be hard to understand and accept the will of the Lord, but we were preparing ourselves to do so. 

After hours of laying in bed, sleep finally consumed me, and my eyes, heavy from tears, fell closed. 

The next day I received a phone call from the ultrasound specialist's office. They had an available appointment the following afternoon. I told them I would be there. 

My feet felt heavy as I walked up the stairs to the hospitals main entrance. Chase was able to take a long lunch so he could attend the appointment with me. After filling out my new patient paperwork, the ultrasound tech called us back. I laid down on the table while the tech began taking pictures of our little baby for the specialist to see. My heart hurt and was elated all at the same time. We were seeing our baby girl for the first time. When the tech was through, she excused herself and told us that the specialist would be in shortly to go over the images. Those few minutes felt like hours. We would shortly be learning the fate of this tiny little girl. The specialist came in and pulled up the images. After a moment or two of chit-chat, she confirmed my worst fears.

"Sadly, I have been able to see abnormalities that indicate that your baby does in fact have trisomy 18."

She pulled up an image of our sweet baby's spine and showed us that she had spina bifida. Then she showed us our little girl's heart. Her heart wasn't developing properly. 

Tears streamed down my face as I asked what her chances of survival were. 

"What you can expect is to either go into a prenatal appointment and the doctor won't be able to find a heart beat, or if you make it to term and are able to deliver, her life span will be anywhere from a few hours to a few days." the specialist informed us. 

Well, I thought to myself, my baby is going to die and I will never get to know her in this life.

But that's just it, that's what keeps me going, that's the knowledge I cling to. Not in this life. I know that someday, my sweet little angel baby will greet me at the gates of heaven and I will get to meet her in her perfected form. I will get to hug her. I will get to hear her laugh. I will get to know who she is and what makes her happy. I know that my heart will hurt every day as I feel like a part of me is missing when she's physically gone, but I also know that her spirit is with me constantly. I had always had a named picked out if I ever had a daughter, but this angel baby needs a special name. Something that is worthy of her perfect spirit. I know, that it will be pure and utter happiness when I get to meet her. It will be ultimate Bliss. In this moment, I ache, and I hurt, but there is joy in this sad journey, and she is that joy. She is that happiness. She is my Bliss.